Adebelle

Lately, I had been dreaming… dreaming about things I wouldn’t want to remember the next waking moment. I’m not sure if I can call these dreams nightmares but they sure left me sitting up shuddering in the middle of the night.

I have the most vivid dreams in the past few weeks’ time. Dreams like me and my cousins crossing a broken bridge with zillions of snakes nestling snuggly under the bridge. The fear of slipping and falling off the bridge was far from what I could take… I remember waking up crying like a baby! I still don’t quite understand how dreams form in our head, messing with our mind. But that is definitely one hell of a nightmare I am trying to sleep without!

Then few nights ago… I had the weirdest dream ever! Someone in the family died… It was all too surreal… I was so scared the next day that I didn’t utter a word about the dream to mum. I don’t remember how it all started. But I remember sitting in a school bus few seats in front of my supposedly dead cousin *touchwood*… Seconds later, I saw two cousins came in the bus and carried the body away. They didn’t seem to notice my existence and they looked too wrecked to talk to anyone.

I just sat there and cried. I remember saying something like, ‘I’m sorry. It’s all my fault’ over and over again but no one could hear me… I don’t remember how my cousin ended up dead in my dream and I certainly don’t remember what I did to contribute to her death. Maybe it wasn’t even my fault and I was overcome with grief that I started to blame myself? Search me… I don’t know…

The next part of the dream is probably the queerest… I saw myself at a big field. There were at least 6 families. As I walked closer, I noticed that they were all moaning and working on the dead bodies!!! There must have been at least 6 dead bodies!! Blimey! In my dream, I started crying, each time it only grew louder… someone got really mad at me… for crying… It’s another cousin of mine. She’s the sister of my dead cousin. For some funny reasons, crying was forbidden!

I don’t remember much after that… I must have woken up crying myself silly… It felt so very strange, to dream of a living person dead, right in front of my eyes… I said a quite prayer after that and went back to sleep…

The night after, I had another dream… I was at a funeral… can’t remember whose funeral I was attending. In the dream, I saw many familiar faces. I saw people from my university, people at work, some friends and my family members. We were all wearing white and a church service was going on. We were sitting and I started to sing my heart out… amazing grace how sweet thou art… No one was sad. It felt more like a sunday mass than a funeral… but it was a funeral… Suddenly I tripped and I fell… He came with a first aid box and insisted to nurse my injured knees… I don’t remember much after that too… maybe the dream ended right there… It was such a strange dream… People from my past, present and future were all there, dressing in white, singing church hymns, in good spirit. But hey, it was a funeral… weren’t the people supposed to be sad? They appeared to be celebrating something… I woke up and checked my clock. It was only 3am…

When I checked my clock the second time, It was almost 5am. That’s the second time I woke up in between dreams… One night, two different dreams. This time I had a baby. It’s a boy… But where’s the father? Who is the father??? I’ve been trying to recall this dream but to no avail… the furthest I could remember; I had a baby boy, period. It ends there. I was doing something to the boy but at the back of my mind I just can’t recall what is it exactly that I was doing…

The next morning, I woken up pretty traumatized. The dreams really got my bad… The whole night I just kept waking up and checking my clock. I felt like my mind’s just been through a war and back! Seriously, I was mentally very tired that day… Not looking good one bit!

Too troubled by my dreams, I decided to look it up the meaning of funeral… I googled up ‘dream interpreter - funeral’…instantly the results were displayed before me. Without wasting any second, I clicked on one of the results. It reads as follow:

‘To dream of your own funeral, symbolizes an ending to a situation or aspect of yourself. You many be repressing some of your feelings or parts of yourself and the dream may be a signal for your to recogizeand acknowledge those feelings. Instead of confronting a situatio, you are dealing with it by burying it and trying to forget about it. If you are nearing death, a funeral dream may relate to your feelings/anxieties about your own death.

To dream that you are at somebody else’s funeral, signifies that you are burying and old relationship and closing the lid on the past. You may be letting go some of the feelings (resentment, anger, hostility toward someone) that you’ve been clinging onto.

To dream that you are attending a funeral for a still-living parent, suggests that you need to separate yourself from your paretns restrictions and confines. The symbolic death may give you the courage you need to take the next step towards your independence and autonomy.

To dream that you are at the funeral of an unknown person, suggest that something in your life is supposed to put to rest or put aside so that you can make room for something new. You need to investigate further what aspect or component of your life you need to let go.’

It sounds all so true… I was at someone else’s funeral and I was at the funeral of an unknown person. Is this a coincidence? I have been trying to put some thoughts to rest lately… not to mention trying to bury some long over due things that left unattended to… Could the dreams be telling me something? Ah well… Even scientists can’t explain dream too well themselves. I guess I’ll have to just trust my gut feelings on this one.

What about the guy with the first aid kit? Is he the answer to the broken heart? Hmm… only time can tell, only time can tell…

For now, I can only pray to have no more dead people in my dream. It’s freeeeeeaky!

A though came to me while taking a nice bath after a long day at work. Spring, yeah, the small little spring can teach us all a good lesson in life. I think we all should be Hookean materials. According to Hooke’s Law, Hookean materials refer to objects that quickly regain their original shape after being deformed by a stress or subjected to certain load.

On the other hand, yield point is defined as the stress at which a material begins to deform elastically and will return to its original shape when applied stress is removed. However, once the yield point is passed some fraction of the deformation will be permanent and non-reversible.

Doesn’t it sound all too familiar to you? You might not have heard about Hooke’s law in your entire life and you might not even like Physics to begin with. But it doesn’t really matter… When under stress (or unfavourable situation), some people bounce back everytime and get stronger, some bounce back for the first few times and get tired of fighting, and some falter without even willing to fight.

All materials have a yield point and so do us. But how much load can you take before reaching your yield point? Some people are quick tempered.But through certain life changing experience they mellowed down and tamed their anger. If that can be done, I am positive about adjusting our yield point. The higher the yield is the further it is that you can be stretched AND bounce back nicely. May we all be a Hookean spring with high yield point!

Sometimes people ask, ‘Where did you get the energy from?’ I seem to have endless energy. Frankly, I don’t know. It must be a gift. And at times, I get asked, ‘How can you be so confident?’ Well, to tell you a secret, I am just trying to be! But the underlying point here is, I am trying! I get flustered when I see my object of interest. (it hasn’t changed since school day!) It’s almost like a viscious cycle I start to magnify my flaws and have rounds of self doubts before I conclude that I’m never going to be good enough for it*. So I act differently and hide my true personality. True enough, I am not that desirable, not after shunning my true self from it*. Something never changed and that part of me is not going to change for a while. (I know in this case I don’t do what I preach!)

To a friend who is lost, I hope she finds her way soon. I hope she too, can be like a spring. Disappointment is just like a load too, it stretches you hard and forms you to be stronger. No one can part themselves away from disappointments in life. But you can decide if a disappointment is trully a disappointment. Optimistic people call that a blip. (sudden minor shock or MEANINGLESS interruption) It’s all in the mind. Seriously. I’ve been there and done it many times.

Hang in there, dearie. Always remember that you are just as good, if not better than others. You must up, up, up your self-esteem and down, down, down the negative thoughts! Go find your lost motivation. We miss the old you!

Remember, nothing can be too difficult if your will power is strong. You will be invincible. Think ‘I can’, think ‘I will’. I am certain in no time you will be back!

I won’t say good luck to you. You don’t need luck. You need you.

To all who chance upon this entry, go on and be a spring!!!

*It = Objec of interest

I’ve almost never felt this way before. The feelings I have right now are just too raw. Something must have triggered it and I probably know what have but it’s best to just leave it under the duvet for now…

Standing eye to eye with the reality again this time, I only pray that determination will not abandon me, not even for a second. I need this so badly now. I need a new frame of mind; I need to free my mind from certain things, certain people which have been kept in the deepest corner of my heart. Yea, spring cleaning, I need a spring cleaning! I need a new me! If only determination won’t shun its door on me too quickly… I must admit that I am weak, so weak that it only takes a few words to crumble the walls I built. I need to be strong willed; I need to be free. I need to stop dreaming; I need to draw the lines.

Waking up this morning, I am feeling alone but perfectly rational all at the same time. I know, alone and rational sound a bit odd together… but that’s just how these two words reflect the current state of my mind. I am not SAD and I won’t let it be. But I am vulnerable… If only I had the heart of stone, things would have been different; we would have been different; I would have been very, very different. The truth is, my heart isn’t made of stone…

Seriously, if it’d help, I’d be so willing to erase certain memories for good. Memories are precious, no doubts but just like dirty laundries, you wouldn’t want them to lay around the floor of your neat and beautiful house. There are simply too much dirty laundries to be cleaned and now I’m desperately needed them to be cleaned, once and for all. Then my mind, my heart and my soul will be set to zero again. I will start again.

So sod it! I don’t need those words. I don’t need to paint a picture perfect dream. I only need the truth, the reality and the certainty. Goodbye to you, goodbye to everything that I knew, goodbye to what will be will be (it’s complete ballocks, anyway) and finally, goodbye to many things I’d been trying to hold on to.

Let’s just see how far this determination is going to carry me to…

I need a miracle!

My jaws are still feeling numb-ish… it’s the aftermath of having anesthesia during the dental surgery (I had a bloody surgery!!!) this afternoon. It’s hard to believe I didn’t freak out and run amok when I was laid down on that surgical chair and having my jaws torn open! It’s a personal achievement, I tell you! It really is!

I know I’ve been talking about wanting to wear braces for weeks. Beats me, I really still haven’t got a clue why braces, why now or where I finally found the courage considering the fact that I am absolutely terrified of dentist, needles and the mind boogling drilling sound!! I knew I would absolutely chicken out if I didn’t schedule an appointment with the orthodontist before my temporary courage faded away.

First appointment with the orthodontist went really well. No needle, no tooth pulling, no drilling, na-da. Ha, it’s more like a stroll in the park! Dr. J checked my teeth and did a teeth impression (mould) before sending me to do a quick scan on my teeth. I asked him if there was a need to extract any tooth at all. He told me he would need to wait for the result of the x-ray to be able to tell me. Hmmm, it’s really not that scary after all. All I needed to do was to go back the next day and voila, I’d be putting on braces in no time and great smile was already waiting for me at the door steps. No sweat!

Monday evening after work, I went back to the clinic for the x-ray results. I was sure enough nothing could be wrong. I was right, Dr. J told me my teeth weren’t too bad at all. In fact, I only have 2 teeth grown slighty out of alignment and some minor ones here and there. Great news! He told me I might not even need to wear braces for 2 years! Perfect! I was already imagining myself with my brand new smile. Absolutely brilliant!

And then, his tone changed. He told me my wisdom teeth weren’t growing vertically, instead they were growing horizontally! This is so bizarre. I had never heard of such thing before. I had yet to hear the worst. ‘Darling, I think you should have them extracted. We usually take out the other two upper teeth and two bottom ones to make room for braces. But in your case, since your wisdom teeth aren’t growing the right way and one is already affecting the next molar… it’s best you get rid of them.’ I thought I was going to faint!!! OMG!! Did he just tell me something I didn’t want to hear?!! Wisdom teeth, FOUR wisdom teeth, having them extracted?!!

OMG!!! I remember holding the chair so tight that my knuckles turned white. I heard myself asking him silly things, ‘Why can’t I just keep them?! OMG! I am so scared already… Is there other option?’ I felt like running away and never looked back! It was a nightmare, such a nightmare! How could I be so naive about visiting a dentist or an orthodontist?! I am sure they want to make my life hell, one way or another, by extracting my teeth or making funny holes on my teeth! I shouldn’t have trusted them!!

Okay, maybe I dramatized the whole thing a little. Nonetheless, I was seriously scared, okay! The good news was, my upper wisdom teeth haven’t grown yet, which means, I only had two teeth to pull out. Two is already a plural, mind you! Dr. J really has got skills, he spoke the magic words before I left. ‘If you want to have a pretty smile, girl, you’ve gotta be brave! That’s the only way!’

Gotta be brave, huh? With that I left. The next thing I realized, I was telling my mum I wanted to get rid of my wisdom teeth! Of course mum didn’t take my words seriously. After all, these words came from a girl who regards ant bite as VERY painful, cried when she got her ears pierced, yeah, at the age of 21 and crushed the poor nurse’s hand when she received an injection in highschool. Uh-hmm, that’s me and now you know why mum was skeptical, no, she was not only skeptical, she wanted to laugh at me. I so could see that from her eyes!

Later that night, I was evaluating my options. I could screw this, who needs braces to look great?! I could keep my wisdom teeth, no biggie. It’s not like I’d die if I didn’t have ‘em extracted, right? OR I could face it like a real adult, get past my deepest fear, go get rid of the two stupid and literally useless wisdom teeth (I now call them good-for-nothing) and be pretty for the rest of my life. Yeah, I always thought if fairy godmother showed herself in front of me and I had three wishes to make, I’d first have her make me grow taller then grant me two rows of beautiful pearly teeth AND finally grant me another three wishes! Hehehe…

Just to make things clear, this has absolutely nothing to do with plastic surgery, okay! It’s how funny a colleague of mine commented at my sudden urge to have my teeth straightened. He said I would be ready for plastic surgery as well. Heck no! You seriously think I wanna have my body ripped apart and then stitched back as if I was a slab of meat?! Thanks but no thanks.

Anyways, I made up my mind finally. I should get rid of good-for-nothing. Besides, I am an adult now. I think this time I should be able to overcome my dentophobia. I was really positive about it! Cheers, to adulthood and beyond!

Tuesday afternoon while at work, mum texted. ‘Girl, appointment made. 1 pm Thursday with Dr. Chu.’ OMG!!! How could she act so fast?! I was…about…about to have a second thought about all this… Maybe we should wait after CNY! My wisdom teeth really can wait, you know! The rest is history…

This morning I woke up feeling really good about myself. I told almost everyone at work that I was going to extract my teeth and they gave their well wishes. There was simply no turning back now.

9.30am: still feeling rather relaxed.

10.30am, couldn’t help looking at the clock praying for it to go slower…

11.30am: sitting in the car singing along with the Snow Patrol, still trying to block away the grand escape plan mentally drafted out.

Dr. Chu, (yeah, I know we have the same surname but he’s not in any way related to me) asked me to lie down on the surgical chair while he examined my teeth and cross checked with my x-ray film. I couldn’t see his expression since I had my eyes tightly shut the moment I lied down on that chair! Besides, I couldn’t bare the sight of those silvery equipment lying on the tray next to the chair. The checking stop. I shut my mouth and opened my eyes to see him pointing at some chart while talking to my mum.

‘This is really expensive. One tooth cost easily 1k. It’s a really complicated case.’ I saw mum’s face when she heard the price. A freaking one thousand bucks per tooth! This is insane!! I looked nervously at mum… Thinking maybe we should forget about it and head home. Mum didn’t say a word; probably was thinking about salvaging my teeth and her bank account. Finally, doctor confirmed that wisdom teeth are useless, they don’t help chewing food. On the other hand, they can be rather cumbersome to maintain.

With that, Dr. Chu and mum had a deal. Two teeth for 1.5k, no extra charges on medication and the next checkup. (what?! what next checkup?!) Mum’s pleased with her bargain. Poor me, my hope of going home with all my teeth eluded. Darn! ‘If you guys are busy, come back 1.5 hours later. We should finish by then.’ Mum gave me one last look and off she left. Now it all came down to just one thing, holding still…

But I couldn’t! My whole body was shaking so badly. I clenched my fists tightly on top of my stomach, resisting the urge of punching Dr. Chu and his assistant on the face and running for my life. I couldn’t relax. My shoulders were stiff, so stiff that it hurt. I felt like a fish out of water. Dr. Chu wasted no time, sticked something into my mouth to keep it open. Just when I was about to surrender under his hands, I saw it! A bit fat syringe!!! He took it in his hand and aimed right at my gum. Once, twice, thrice. 3 shots in what, 10 seconds? I thought I was going to die! I could feel the needle penetrated into my gum. It hurt! It must be the anethesia. My jaw felt funny after a few minutes. My eyes remained tightly shut. But I could see him holding scalpel getting ready to dissect my gum (75% of my teeth was trapped in the gum) with my mind’s eye. I held my breath allowed my fear to take over my whole body.

I was completely out of control at this point. Not that I was shaking, I was crying too! Drops and drops of tear rolled down my cheek. I think I completely pissed the doctor off with that. ‘I need your corporation. I cannot work if you are so tensed like that. Put your hands down now and relax.’ What a bad a$$ doctor! Did he just tell me off?! On a second thought, maybe I deserved that.

‘You are going to hear some noises now, ok? But it’s just a lot of water going through your mouth. Relax.’ SOME noises, how dare he say some noises?! Goodness me, the noises were deafening! It’s the drilling sound, my nemesis!!! He must be do some serious drilling. Oh boy, the noise! It’s a miracle I didn’t go deaf!

Honestly, it only hurt a little bit here and there. But I was groaning almost all the time! I know, I know, what a drama queen, hmm?

I couldn’t remember how many rounds the drilling took place. I started to hum ‘I Surrender All’ over and over again. This hymm worked like magic; calming me down. My mind was all about the song. Surprisingly, I found myself relaxed, releasing my clenched fists for the first time. It helped me to forget about the drilling and the pulling. I couldn’t care less what the doctor and his assistants thought of me. I kept my eyes closed and continued to hum throughout the whole surgery.

It must be easier for Dr. Chu to work on my teeth when I was calmed and relaxed. Finally, the drilling and the fluid sucking sound ended. The room was in a still silence. I gave out a relieved sigh and cracked my eyes open just a fraction to ensure it was all over. The last bit of my left wisdom tooth was extracted out. I caught a glimpse of it covered with blood. He murmured something to the nurse and I guess he it’s time for stitching up! Surprisingly, that didn’t hurt a little.

I was instructed to open my mouth a little wider. It seemed like the doc was going to operate on the right tooth.C’mone, gimme a break! My mouth felt so tired after being kept open for at least 45 minutes. I gestured wildly at the doc hoping that he could take that nasty little plasticky thingy out from my mouth a little while. He must have misunderstood me when he saw me finguring one. I meant ONE minute, just gimme one minute. ‘No, no, no, it’s too late now.’, he said. Darn, he thought I wanted to leave the right tooth till next visit. He pushed my head back on the chair. I had no choice but to lie still once again.

I started humming again, only louder this time. It wasn’t as scary this time. But my legs couldn’t help turning jelly when I saw the syringe again! My right jaw went numb in no time. Another round of drilling, sucking, pulling and stitching. Was it my imagination or he did he quicker than the left one? My agony ended in about 20 minutes’ time, if my count was correct. One last stitch and it’s all done! I opened my eyes when there was no more sound in the room.

I rinsed my mouth as instructed and waited for the chair to come down. Lying on the tray were pieces of fractures of my wisdom teeth. They were still covered with blood, my blood! I felt a sense of triumphant. I have successfully conquered my fear for now. I know I will completely freak out once again when I have the upper ones extracted. What the heck, it’s still an achievement!

I couldn’t feel my lips nor my chin. In fact, I couldn’t feel anything from nose down. It’s a funny sensation. I felt as if my lips were swelling. That didn’t bother me too much, to be honest. I was too elated to be worried.

I waited till my parents came back from lunch. They were surprised to see me sitting at the waiting room, perfectly alright. Mum asked if it hurt. I shook my head and returned a proud smile. I think I was smugging.

Doctor gave me a pamphlet to read. It says I am refrained from spitting, rinsing my mouth, drinking with straw, bending down, and the list goes on. I was more worried about the blue black on my face I might get after the surgery. Doctor said it’s quite likely to happen on me since I have fair skin. He also handed me 5 different packets of pills. Pain killer, super pain killer, antibiotics and some other pills. He also mentioned that I couldn’t move my jaws as much as before for a few days. Gosh, does that mean I can’t talk as much?! It’s gonna kill me.

I just had my dinner. First attempt of feeding porridge into my mouth wasn’t as successful. I felt a sharp pain on my left gum immediately. Glad that it didn’t last for too long. This is the first time I took ages to finish my meal… Oh boy, heaven knows I am a fast eater. This is such a nuisanse!

The pain is bearable for now. Hopefully it will get better tomorrow. Hmmm, but why did the doctor give me 2 days of MC then?! This is not right! Maybe it will get worsen tomorrow?!! Oh man! I can’t imagine…

Anyway, I should take a bow now. My bed is beckoning and I haven’t taken my shower yet!

Yeah, I am darn proud of myself.

Call it miracle, call me silly… a miracle really did take place last Friday night. I was in despair, my laptop refused to function, I hadn’t had a clue how to fix the work issue and worst still, my supervisor didn’t have a plan B for it. By hook or by crook, the two of us had to solve the problem.

It was 10.15pm when I failed my fifth attempt to open the work documents saved on the LAN. I looked at the screen blankly, nothing seemed to work. I was very close to tears. How could my laptop failed me at time like this!?! If hadn’t Katie’s reassuring words, I would surely crack… But still, the words couldn’t take away the worries I had. I felt like an ant running aimless on a hot pan, with pressing issues at hand and not able to fix them.

And then, I saw something on my desktop. It was a hymm. I double clicked on it and to my surprise it launched successfully when nothing else seemed to open no matter how I clicked on them.

I Surrender All
All to Jesus, I surrender,
All to Him I freely give;
I will ever love and trust Him,
In His presence daily live.