Adebelle

I have been seeking high and low, left and right, in and out long enough. I am on a quest searching for a full stop. I call it my little black magical dot. Far too many times I let myself dwell in the past, sickly indulging the forbidden memories; fiercely provoking yet another painful sensation that cuts through my soul like it was never mine. I anticipated hot tears to warm my cold cold face only to find nothingness. Oh I must have forgotten, it was a long time ago when I cried a river… All the tears had turned into ashes and they never since found their way back to the tear duct.

I said to myself, "Closures, you need a closure." So closures I created, many of them. It slipped my mind again. For every full stop that I drew, I had erased each and every of them with a giant eraser. I heard you, "Don’t use a pencil then, silly girl! Use a pen!" You know, mind is a powerful thing. Immediately a  correction pen is created. Off you go, you pathetic little black dot.

But I insisted. I need that closure. I want it now. Haven’t I waited long enough?! Seemingly putting life on hold for a make-believe. But it sound so true! Perhaps it could be for real this time? I know you think I am nuts at this point. I wish I were. But I am more sane that ever. Yeah, very sane and extremely weak. They said, "Out of sight, out of mind." Wait! What if it’s forever etched in mind eyes?! Should I then go completely blind and totally insane to get rid of it?

I am still searching for that closure which should have been there a long time ago. But I made do with the little closures I created. Forcedly, I blinded my eyes so that I could smell the freshly cut grass, hear the nightingale and breath again. I was happy then but it was short-lived. When all the magic faded into the darkness of the night, when it came to mind once again, I found myself staring into the space, silently commanding a failed attempt to feel indiferent.

My faith is weavering. Maybe there isn’t any closure. Maybe it was there all this time and I chose to be oblivious so that I can carry on dreaming. You see, big dreamer I am. Also, a foolish one. Maybe there is only one way. I shall bury my own hatchet. Maybe it’s me. Maybe it’s not about closure. Maybe I just want to hear it, the words, the end.

All the angels in the sky, forever peace I seek, eternity serenity I plead. Make me free again!

I had a pretty ‘interesting’ conversation with a friend whom I hadn’t been keeping in touch with since I left uni.

Friend: You don’t have nice things to say about me.
Ade: It’s not like you have nice things to say about me either.
Friend: I do…
Ade: Yeah, like what? *sarcastic*
Friend: You are a nice girl (just a little mean sometimes), catholic and have no bad habits.
Ade: I didn’t know you can be this sweet! *sarcastically surprised*
Friend: These are not the nicest yet. I’m saving them.
Ade: Saving it for?
Friend: When I need it.
Ade: Gutted. Speechless.

Not quite speechless. I was very tempted to say, "Are you saving it when you get your hands in my pants?" (Yeah, I know this doesn’t sound like me… but men are pigs, most of them are!)

Before we got to that ‘interesting’ bit of conversation, we were talking about random ’stuff’ (read: Do you have a boyfriend? Why not? I’m sure you have plenty offers…)

My replies:
Nope. No boyfriend. I’m pretty happy with current state. Yes, there were offers but I wouldn’t call them great offers…)

Somehow, we came into a conclusion… men these days (before you can call me a femenist, I shall say, MOST men these days, will not date a girl who won’t want to let his hands get into you-know-where)

So yeah, I am a nice girl (just a little mean) and I am pretty happily single and yes; I think guys, most guys have ulterior motives and have low or no patience.

Call me defensive or whatever. That’s just how it goes… for now. Until someone changes my mind, someday, somehow.

Hello hello! After a month of torment (read: living home without an internet access), I am baaaack! It feels good to be lying on my bed and typing frantically on the new keyboard again! I won’t say I’m back by popular demand *chuckle* but hey, I do know I have some faithful readers out there. *wink*

And so… for the past one month or so I had been suppressing emotions - the good and especially the bad ones ‘offline. The consequence is damaging; it took a big toil on my spirit. It felt like a long term constipation!

I am just so glad to be back at this familiar space and fully express myself whenever I need to. So please will you forgive me if I have let the words spill a little too much today…

The fact is that my brain is slowly shutting down while my eyelids are finding themselves almost too resistable to stay opened as now type. Lucky you, there will not be any LONG entry today after all! My bed is beckoning me. Let’s catch up later.

There will be LONG entries after I get some decent sleep. This I promise ya!