Sod it!
I’ve almost never felt this way before. The feelings I have right now are just too raw. Something must have triggered it and I probably know what have but it’s best to just leave it under the duvet for now…
Standing eye to eye with the reality again this time, I only pray that determination will not abandon me, not even for a second. I need this so badly now. I need a new frame of mind; I need to free my mind from certain things, certain people which have been kept in the deepest corner of my heart. Yea, spring cleaning, I need a spring cleaning! I need a new me! If only determination won’t shun its door on me too quickly… I must admit that I am weak, so weak that it only takes a few words to crumble the walls I built. I need to be strong willed; I need to be free. I need to stop dreaming; I need to draw the lines.
Waking up this morning, I am feeling alone but perfectly rational all at the same time. I know, alone and rational sound a bit odd together… but that’s just how these two words reflect the current state of my mind. I am not SAD and I won’t let it be. But I am vulnerable… If only I had the heart of stone, things would have been different; we would have been different; I would have been very, very different. The truth is, my heart isn’t made of stone…
Seriously, if it’d help, I’d be so willing to erase certain memories for good. Memories are precious, no doubts but just like dirty laundries, you wouldn’t want them to lay around the floor of your neat and beautiful house. There are simply too much dirty laundries to be cleaned and now I’m desperately needed them to be cleaned, once and for all. Then my mind, my heart and my soul will be set to zero again. I will start again.
So sod it! I don’t need those words. I don’t need to paint a picture perfect dream. I only need the truth, the reality and the certainty. Goodbye to you, goodbye to everything that I knew, goodbye to what will be will be (it’s complete ballocks, anyway) and finally, goodbye to many things I’d been trying to hold on to.
Let’s just see how far this determination is going to carry me to…
I need a miracle!
