Adebelle

Lately, I had been dreaming… dreaming about things I wouldn’t want to remember the next waking moment. I’m not sure if I can call these dreams nightmares but they sure left me sitting up shuddering in the middle of the night.

I have the most vivid dreams in the past few weeks’ time. Dreams like me and my cousins crossing a broken bridge with zillions of snakes nestling snuggly under the bridge. The fear of slipping and falling off the bridge was far from what I could take… I remember waking up crying like a baby! I still don’t quite understand how dreams form in our head, messing with our mind. But that is definitely one hell of a nightmare I am trying to sleep without!

Then few nights ago… I had the weirdest dream ever! Someone in the family died… It was all too surreal… I was so scared the next day that I didn’t utter a word about the dream to mum. I don’t remember how it all started. But I remember sitting in a school bus few seats in front of my supposedly dead cousin *touchwood*… Seconds later, I saw two cousins came in the bus and carried the body away. They didn’t seem to notice my existence and they looked too wrecked to talk to anyone.

I just sat there and cried. I remember saying something like, ‘I’m sorry. It’s all my fault’ over and over again but no one could hear me… I don’t remember how my cousin ended up dead in my dream and I certainly don’t remember what I did to contribute to her death. Maybe it wasn’t even my fault and I was overcome with grief that I started to blame myself? Search me… I don’t know…

The next part of the dream is probably the queerest… I saw myself at a big field. There were at least 6 families. As I walked closer, I noticed that they were all moaning and working on the dead bodies!!! There must have been at least 6 dead bodies!! Blimey! In my dream, I started crying, each time it only grew louder… someone got really mad at me… for crying… It’s another cousin of mine. She’s the sister of my dead cousin. For some funny reasons, crying was forbidden!

I don’t remember much after that… I must have woken up crying myself silly… It felt so very strange, to dream of a living person dead, right in front of my eyes… I said a quite prayer after that and went back to sleep…

The night after, I had another dream… I was at a funeral… can’t remember whose funeral I was attending. In the dream, I saw many familiar faces. I saw people from my university, people at work, some friends and my family members. We were all wearing white and a church service was going on. We were sitting and I started to sing my heart out… amazing grace how sweet thou art… No one was sad. It felt more like a sunday mass than a funeral… but it was a funeral… Suddenly I tripped and I fell… He came with a first aid box and insisted to nurse my injured knees… I don’t remember much after that too… maybe the dream ended right there… It was such a strange dream… People from my past, present and future were all there, dressing in white, singing church hymns, in good spirit. But hey, it was a funeral… weren’t the people supposed to be sad? They appeared to be celebrating something… I woke up and checked my clock. It was only 3am…

When I checked my clock the second time, It was almost 5am. That’s the second time I woke up in between dreams… One night, two different dreams. This time I had a baby. It’s a boy… But where’s the father? Who is the father??? I’ve been trying to recall this dream but to no avail… the furthest I could remember; I had a baby boy, period. It ends there. I was doing something to the boy but at the back of my mind I just can’t recall what is it exactly that I was doing…

The next morning, I woken up pretty traumatized. The dreams really got my bad… The whole night I just kept waking up and checking my clock. I felt like my mind’s just been through a war and back! Seriously, I was mentally very tired that day… Not looking good one bit!

Too troubled by my dreams, I decided to look it up the meaning of funeral… I googled up ‘dream interpreter - funeral’…instantly the results were displayed before me. Without wasting any second, I clicked on one of the results. It reads as follow:

‘To dream of your own funeral, symbolizes an ending to a situation or aspect of yourself. You many be repressing some of your feelings or parts of yourself and the dream may be a signal for your to recogizeand acknowledge those feelings. Instead of confronting a situatio, you are dealing with it by burying it and trying to forget about it. If you are nearing death, a funeral dream may relate to your feelings/anxieties about your own death.

To dream that you are at somebody else’s funeral, signifies that you are burying and old relationship and closing the lid on the past. You may be letting go some of the feelings (resentment, anger, hostility toward someone) that you’ve been clinging onto.

To dream that you are attending a funeral for a still-living parent, suggests that you need to separate yourself from your paretns restrictions and confines. The symbolic death may give you the courage you need to take the next step towards your independence and autonomy.

To dream that you are at the funeral of an unknown person, suggest that something in your life is supposed to put to rest or put aside so that you can make room for something new. You need to investigate further what aspect or component of your life you need to let go.’

It sounds all so true… I was at someone else’s funeral and I was at the funeral of an unknown person. Is this a coincidence? I have been trying to put some thoughts to rest lately… not to mention trying to bury some long over due things that left unattended to… Could the dreams be telling me something? Ah well… Even scientists can’t explain dream too well themselves. I guess I’ll have to just trust my gut feelings on this one.

What about the guy with the first aid kit? Is he the answer to the broken heart? Hmm… only time can tell, only time can tell…

For now, I can only pray to have no more dead people in my dream. It’s freeeeeeaky!

A though came to me while taking a nice bath after a long day at work. Spring, yeah, the small little spring can teach us all a good lesson in life. I think we all should be Hookean materials. According to Hooke’s Law, Hookean materials refer to objects that quickly regain their original shape after being deformed by a stress or subjected to certain load.

On the other hand, yield point is defined as the stress at which a material begins to deform elastically and will return to its original shape when applied stress is removed. However, once the yield point is passed some fraction of the deformation will be permanent and non-reversible.

Doesn’t it sound all too familiar to you? You might not have heard about Hooke’s law in your entire life and you might not even like Physics to begin with. But it doesn’t really matter… When under stress (or unfavourable situation), some people bounce back everytime and get stronger, some bounce back for the first few times and get tired of fighting, and some falter without even willing to fight.

All materials have a yield point and so do us. But how much load can you take before reaching your yield point? Some people are quick tempered.But through certain life changing experience they mellowed down and tamed their anger. If that can be done, I am positive about adjusting our yield point. The higher the yield is the further it is that you can be stretched AND bounce back nicely. May we all be a Hookean spring with high yield point!

Sometimes people ask, ‘Where did you get the energy from?’ I seem to have endless energy. Frankly, I don’t know. It must be a gift. And at times, I get asked, ‘How can you be so confident?’ Well, to tell you a secret, I am just trying to be! But the underlying point here is, I am trying! I get flustered when I see my object of interest. (it hasn’t changed since school day!) It’s almost like a viscious cycle I start to magnify my flaws and have rounds of self doubts before I conclude that I’m never going to be good enough for it*. So I act differently and hide my true personality. True enough, I am not that desirable, not after shunning my true self from it*. Something never changed and that part of me is not going to change for a while. (I know in this case I don’t do what I preach!)

To a friend who is lost, I hope she finds her way soon. I hope she too, can be like a spring. Disappointment is just like a load too, it stretches you hard and forms you to be stronger. No one can part themselves away from disappointments in life. But you can decide if a disappointment is trully a disappointment. Optimistic people call that a blip. (sudden minor shock or MEANINGLESS interruption) It’s all in the mind. Seriously. I’ve been there and done it many times.

Hang in there, dearie. Always remember that you are just as good, if not better than others. You must up, up, up your self-esteem and down, down, down the negative thoughts! Go find your lost motivation. We miss the old you!

Remember, nothing can be too difficult if your will power is strong. You will be invincible. Think ‘I can’, think ‘I will’. I am certain in no time you will be back!

I won’t say good luck to you. You don’t need luck. You need you.

To all who chance upon this entry, go on and be a spring!!!

*It = Objec of interest

I’ve almost never felt this way before. The feelings I have right now are just too raw. Something must have triggered it and I probably know what have but it’s best to just leave it under the duvet for now…

Standing eye to eye with the reality again this time, I only pray that determination will not abandon me, not even for a second. I need this so badly now. I need a new frame of mind; I need to free my mind from certain things, certain people which have been kept in the deepest corner of my heart. Yea, spring cleaning, I need a spring cleaning! I need a new me! If only determination won’t shun its door on me too quickly… I must admit that I am weak, so weak that it only takes a few words to crumble the walls I built. I need to be strong willed; I need to be free. I need to stop dreaming; I need to draw the lines.

Waking up this morning, I am feeling alone but perfectly rational all at the same time. I know, alone and rational sound a bit odd together… but that’s just how these two words reflect the current state of my mind. I am not SAD and I won’t let it be. But I am vulnerable… If only I had the heart of stone, things would have been different; we would have been different; I would have been very, very different. The truth is, my heart isn’t made of stone…

Seriously, if it’d help, I’d be so willing to erase certain memories for good. Memories are precious, no doubts but just like dirty laundries, you wouldn’t want them to lay around the floor of your neat and beautiful house. There are simply too much dirty laundries to be cleaned and now I’m desperately needed them to be cleaned, once and for all. Then my mind, my heart and my soul will be set to zero again. I will start again.

So sod it! I don’t need those words. I don’t need to paint a picture perfect dream. I only need the truth, the reality and the certainty. Goodbye to you, goodbye to everything that I knew, goodbye to what will be will be (it’s complete ballocks, anyway) and finally, goodbye to many things I’d been trying to hold on to.

Let’s just see how far this determination is going to carry me to…

I need a miracle!