Maybe
It seems only a week when I felt life could have been better if I had a boyfriend to share my ups and downs with and ermmm… to chauffeur me to wedding dinners…
Today, the same thought scares me. I knew it was just the pre-wedding dinner syndrom. I wanted what everyone has. The truth might just be the opposite.
A friend once described me as a butterfly; enjoying its total freedom flying from flower to flower searching for sweet nectar. It’s not completely untrue I’d say. I loooove my freedom. It took me a while to come to that realization. Now, I just couldn’t imagine being chained down for anyone. I love my time alone, be it lying in front of the tv, flipping from channel to channel or just spending the afternoon reading some books. I’ve tried to picture going shopping with my imaginary boyfriend and he was completely out of the picture. Something’s just not right! Most of my girl friends told me shopping is one of the most common thing they do with their boyfriends and here I am feeling all weird about this whole thing. I am just not feeling it! Is there something wrong with me?
I guess, my time hasn’t come and I am not ready to share something so precious and private with another being. Yes, I regard shopping as something private. Imagine how much one can learn about you through this experience. They know what you like and what you don’t. They get a ’sneek peak’ to your fat zone. They even get to learn your dress size! They’ll know if you’re a half cup, 3/4 cup or a full cup person! Now tell me again that shopping is not a private matter!
Like I said before, if a girl tells you that she’s not ready for relationship with you, the chances are, she is really not into you. But for me now, that whole I-am-not-ready-for-relationship could very well be a form of paranoia. Am I paranoid? Am I worried about the ‘what would be’? Am I living in my comfort zone and not wanting to venture beyond this zone? Yes, yes and yes! I am, I am, I am! It hit me while I was taking shower. (I know, I’ve been thinking quite a lot in the bathroom… that’s the result of a relax mind :D)
What if the guy whom I thought I wanted so badly came back to me and told me he loved me and wanted us to be together, would I still be the same girl I once was?
What if the guy I thought would make a perfect boyfriend* told me he’s made up his mind and going to make a life changing decision about us, would I be overjoyed and thank god it is now happening?
What if the cute guy I saw during lunch time decided to talk to me a asked me out for a date, would I agree to it? Maybe he is the one?
What if my answer to any of the questions above is positive and then the PERFECT guy suddenly showed up? What if neither guy is my destiny? What if my childhood dream was supposed to come true and I was going to meet a handsome fine white guy and had a fairytale-like wedding?
I look deep into my heart, no, I don’t actually have an answer for these questions. Maybe I do, I guess it’s greed. Can I just have my cake and eat it too? Can I have all of the above and yet maintain my singlehood? Yea, don’t you want the same too? But it’s kinda impossible unless you wanna be a player in the name of love!
I suddenly remember a story of a lumberjack. He was asked to go into the woods and picked the best tree he saw. As he stepped into the woods, he laid his eyes on a tree with nice branches. He thought that was the tree but the minute he was about to bring down the tree, he stopped. He thought to himself that there could be a bigger and stronger tree ahead. He ventured deeper into the woods and walked passed many nice big trees. It’s almost the end of the woods and he began to worry. Gone are the nice strong trees. What met his eyes were small little old trees. At the end, this lumberjack ended up with the best among the worst tree in the wood.
I keep this story close to my heart as a reminder. Somehow, I am still behaving like the lumberjack. Few good trees given up and still in search for that purrrfect tree deep in the woods.
Will I ever find my tree? Maybe.
Maybe I don’t need even need a tree right now. Maybe the tree has been found. Maybe I ought to let go of the old trees.
Maybe I don’t mean what I meant. Maybe I need to go to bed.
Perfect boyfriend*[n] - a total gentleman/ someone who has the same wave length and frequency as I have/ someone intelligent and intellectual/ someone who tolerates my quick temper and pampers me like a princess/ someone who makes me feel like bettering myself unconditionally.
June 26th, 2006 at 10:01 am
my opinion? it’s nothing wrong with loving ur single life.. I mean.. being single is something you’ve already grown accustomed to right?
June 26th, 2006 at 5:16 pm
Exactly…
and I don’t think there is any problem being single and am not DESPERATELY searching for someone… if u get what I mean… I’d kill myself to look THAT desperate!
I was talking about the fear, the paranoia and the unfamiliar certainty stepping out from the comfort zone.
June 26th, 2006 at 6:12 pm
Hmm… I wouldn’t really agree or disagree with the two comments before me. However, while you are enjoying your single life, the “perfect boyfriends” will be taken by other girls. Come on… who doesn’t want her boyfriend to be a total gentleman/ someone who has the same wave length and frequency as I have/ someone intelligent and intellectual/ someone who tolerates my quick temper and pampers me like a princess/ someone who makes me feel like bettering myself. Unless you choose to remain single for the rest of your life, if not you have better make plans to end your single and start enjoying companionship.
It’s entirely right for your boyfriend to know all these personal details about you. Think about it, do you prefer a boyfriend who knows nothing or just a bit about you? I would really wonder if he is your boyfriend if that happens.
June 27th, 2006 at 12:20 am
So your point is? Start looking for one if you want one, right?
But what if I am not wanting one desperately now and is taking my own sweet time deciding?
Well, I appreciate your comment and it shows that someone’s reading my ‘written’ thoughts. On the other hand, what you read sometimes is not really what it is.
Yeah, very complex I am.
One more point before I bow out. Of coz I want a boyfriend who knows everything about me and am ready to open up myself when the right candidate appears. I am not a clamshell you know…
I was merely saying the thought of sharing scared me. It doesn’t mean that I don’t share.
Gooosh, at the end of this sentence, I sounds so defensive and I can’t help it. Again, I am NOT a
1. Desperate singleton
2. Parasite that is looking
out for a shelter
I am just
1. Happy singleton who
doesn’t mind meeting
interesting guys
2. Someone who speaks her
mind when the thoughts
come to mind
With that, peace out.
June 28th, 2006 at 6:45 pm
exactly. i totally agree with you. first of all, thanks for sharing your inner most thoughts with us. i wish i have the same courage and dedication to do the same. you speak from the heart which means it’s a language of whats deep down inside unadultered by all that nonsense the world has taught us. i guess what i am saying is that everyone longs for companionship, it’s a basic nature. i think that in order to meet the ‘right’ person, you need to get to know more people as friends. i guess only when you know a person enough, you can determine if you guys are suitable for each other. if not you’ll just end up with a lot more friends. that man walking accross the woods is probably someone inexperienced. if it was an experienced woodcutter, he wouldn’t have necessarily chosen the biggest tree, but he would have certainly chosen the best tree in terms of type of wood, health of the tree, his ability to carry, etc, you get my drift. more often than not, the very thing you are looking for is right in front of your face. i think as we grow up, we learn to unlearn certain ideas that doesen’t work in real life.
June 29th, 2006 at 12:07 am
Yea, we sure do… along the journey of self discovery, we learn and unlearn things…
I guess I’m just a tad outspoken than you do. It’s true that it takes quite some courages to ‘publish’ your thoughts in the cyberspace where everyone is able to access to it and make some comments about your input.
But to me, this whole thing didn’t start off as ’showing off’ my life. Rather the opposite, it is a place where I face naked self. It is through these words that I learn more about myself.
It’s a road to self discovery!
June 29th, 2006 at 6:38 am
well put! you need to sound out your thoughts and put things into perspective. i enjoy your blogs so keep up the great stories
June 29th, 2006 at 7:50 am
Thaaaaaaanks