The Year That Was
Cute little princess clock strikes 8.51 pm. The rain is still pouring. This is exactly what I’d like my Friday night to be. Listening to the sound of rain hitting the roof top, smelling the freshly brewed rose tea and sitting at the same spot expressing myself freely once again.
Same Friday shower ‘ritual’ was performed. It’s funny how my thoughts wander when the water starts flowing. Train of thought flew back to 2 hours or so earlier today, back to the online conversation I had with a friend I haven’t been keeping in touch with for a long long time. The conversation triggered memories which I thought have been sealed and buried ‘6 feet under’.
Looking back, it’s been 6 years now when I faced the cruelty of reality. High school years for many probably are sweet and memorable, not mine though. It was a harsh final year I spent in high school. That very year, friendships for 4 years literally gone down the drain. It was as easy as 123 for them to cut the bond that I naively believe would last forever. For they were friends I thought would see me through thick and thin. I guess, for a while, for four years, the did become my best friends.
Then, there were rivalries, there were green eyed monsters, one after another misunderstandings, accusations and then boom, I was no longer part of the friendship circle. With that, I was ‘persecuted’ for all the things they said I shouldn’t have done. How stupid and desperate I was to even try keeping and winning back this friendship! For the slightest moment, I detested and grew disgusted with myself. I came close to believe in every single ‘advice’ and the do-you-good-but-harm comments. Afterall, friends are like mirrors, they make you realised your shortcomings. YEAH RIGHT! My experience, well, they weren’t good mirrors!
Still, I needed these people. I needed friends. One last resort, I wrote a letter, saying sorry to them. I begged for forgiveness. How very dog-like I was! I BEGGED for forgiveness!! My cousin was in a disbelief state when she saw what I am about to tell you… I was summoed to the table which sat 5 of the girls. They looked like persecutors, sitting side by side on the other end of the table. I sat down, one against five, handing out the letter and hoping it would then mend the severe tie. One of the girls, read it, tore it, threw it on my face and announced, ‘It’s over! You and I, you and the girls, we are over!’ I stood there and endured the humilliation that came upon me like a tidal wave. It was like an enternity before I composed myself and walked away. The rest of the evening was a blur. I don’t remember what happened to me after that. For all I care, they humilliated me like no one has been, in front of the rest of my classmates, including my crush! For what seems like forever, the entire class just sat and watched the drama. No one spoke for a long time.
I thought I’ve long forgiven and forgotten the entire incident. Now that I’m relating it… it still hurts a little. I know I will never forget what happened. I can’t undone what’s done. I certainly will not forget what she said to me at the playground. ‘It is the biggest mistake and regret I ever had in my whole life to have known you and befriended you!!’ Those are almost the exact words spitted out from her mouth that evening. Again, in front of many other people. I didn’t know how did I survive that. I certainly don’t understand why I just stood there and didn’t say a word. Perhaps, I was speechless. That instance is embedded in my heart until the day I die. Forgive and forget, maybe not. I have long forgiven them but to forget what happened, it almost as good as asking me to stop shopping for the rest of my life.
The tears I dropped probably could stop a minor fire. Days and nights I was crying. I didn’t know why it had to be me who suffered such a big blow. If that’s not the worst, all these happened about 3 months before SPM. Then I realised there is absolutely no point crying over spilled milk. I had had enough and I should put a stop to all these stupid and childish incidents. For months I sat beside my-supposedly-bestest-friend-in-the-whole-wide-world without passing a word. She wouldn’t hand me my work book if someone sitting in front happened to pass it to her. She wouldn’t pick up my eraser even if it fell and rolled under her chair. Basically, we were worst than strangers. You know what, I survived the coldest ‘winter’ that year.
One thing that still drives me bonkers is how fast she, my ‘best friend’ turned her back on me. I thought she’s the only one person who would trust in me and back me up… Now the memory is too vivid… It springs back into my head once again… I could see the blue tables in our lab. I saw her, I saw the girls, all sitting together at the third table on the left. They were deep in conversation. I sat with my cousin at another table. I wasn’t gonna stick around when my presence was no longer welcomed. My cousin was the only true friend I had. We were in the same class. I would definitely drowned if it wasn’t here. Again, I was called over and being confronted.
The girls started to list down the ‘crimes’ they thought I committed. I looked from confused to worried and to panicked. With teary eyes, I looked at her and thought she would step out and defend me. I didn’t do what they said! Then, I saw her face, it’s the hardest expression she had on. I thought I didn’t know her anymore. Standing in front of me was not the girl I shared my deepest secrets. I only saw a cold blooded, almost witch-like girl, staring back at me with disgust so intense, as if I was a filthy little toad. I am still shuddering when I think about the look upon her face. It spells CRUELTY and nothing else.
My fingers grew so cold and I thought I could faint right away. It hurt me to see her face. When she opened her mouth, words that came out weren’t words to defend my innocence. They were knives, instead, stabbing my already wounded heart again and again, until there wasn’t any blood left flowing… That has to be the end of everything. I had nothing else to say and there wasn’t anything that I could say to make them believe me again. They were out to hurt me. They had already decided to exile me. With that tiny bit of pride and dignity, I turned and walked away and I knew these people will never be friends whom I share everything with. I crossed their names out in my heart. Life had to go on. I had to move on. I still had SPM to worry about.
I couldn’t wait for graduation to come. For me, that was the day I got released from the invisible jail. It was such a relief that I didn’t have to sit beside someone as emptionless as a stone. I convinced myself things would be better when I entered college and it did! The following year until now, I haven’t since thinking of how it would be if that incident had never took place. I want to thank these people for opening my eyes, for shaping me into a stronger girl, who isn’t ashamed of who she is anymore, and for creating such a remarkable high school year for me. Now, I celebrate this setback. If things were to happen differently, I am not sure you’d even come to know the Adeline you know now. My circle of friends would probably still be them and I wouldn’t even have gone to UK.
I was having a really long cold war with my cousin, Cecilia for a considerably long period of time. We lived under one roof and slept in the same room but I hadn’t spoken to her for at least a year. If you ask me why, it’s just my stupid stubborness and pride. Maybe I’ll write about that next time. Thanks to the broken friendships, my cousin and I started to realise the strong and pure family bond are what we can always count on. For family never leave each other. We came to cherish that and both buried the hatches. My mum told me good things would follow and that was just a test God wanted me to partake. Foolishly, I blamed God for putting me through all these and almost lost my faith in him. I was only 16 and yes, a fool.
Today, I am what I am. My best friends celebrate my flaws and like me for me. At the same time, I focus on their strength and accept their shortcomings. I’ve walked a great deal to become the Adeline today.
I’ve decided to let it all out tonight. Although I’ve really forgiven them but in the deepest corner of my heart, somehow, there is still a trace of something less serious than hatred. I don’t hate them and I never did. I just can’t find the right word to describe that. It doesn’t matter anymore. Tonight, I let out the final trace of something which has been tugging my heart since that year.
Lemme just say THANK YOU to these girls. When I bump into them few years down the road, that’s precisely what I’d say.
What a feeling… I am smiling…
January 9th, 2006 at 12:23 am
And that was precisely 6 years ago you told me about it, when there was one time i called for some assistance in my homework.
You didn’t tell me anything in details, but i do smelt some real serious gunpowder in it.
I do not know what had happened, neither do i know whose fault was it.
But the point is, you don’t go around gang up in 5, surrounding and prosecuting someone like that. It makes me felt like as if i were being ambushed. Obviously they were intimidating with numbers. This is an act of despicable, for a starting.
I share no ties with most of our jj2 former classmates, and i was not afraid to say it out. 6 years ago i was small and weak but now i look down on them even more than they ever look down on me.
We burn the bridges if they insist on not negotiating. And by the end of the day, you realized yourself that you don’t need them anyway. For you’re stronger.
January 9th, 2006 at 8:09 pm
Wow, Wen Jun, that’s quite something coming from you. I like the 4th paragraph… ‘6 years ago i was small and work but now i look down on them even more than they ever look down on me’
To me, that’s something only someone who has been there and done it would say. We are like the little weed on the ground. Got stepped on, rummaged by thunderstorm and still standing!
Yes, I don’t need them but I thank them. For it is them who opened up my innnocent eyes. Not now, not before to find out whose fault was that. Like I said back then, I played a part in it but so did they. But accusation is what I cannot tolerate.
It’s over, it’s all over when I decided it is. Now I shan’t speak with any feelings other than rejoice.
But thanks, Wen Jun.
This blog isn’t meant to beg for sympathy nor is it meant for alliance. It is something, a burden in me that I wanna offload.
Now, I search the deepest corner of my heart. Well, it isn’t there anymore
January 21st, 2006 at 12:18 am
I still remember how you have related to me the horrible things that happened to you..I understand exactly how it feels like..But but but!..without them, we never get to learn from these precious experience from which we have definitely grew to be more confident and mentally strong. You are right..there is not a need for ‘revenge’ or thinking how to retaliate, coz they well know you win, when they see you smile today..:)